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The Anarchist's Guide to Democracy: Feelin' Generous

Date 3/23/2006 12:00 AM | Topic: Opinion

Greetings from Luther College! Send us money!

Sound familiar? Thought so. In honor of the iPledge (to not infringe on copyrights) campaign, the renovations to the Union and the proposed $200 trillion remodeling of Valders, we thought we'd make a few more suggestions for future campus improvements. After all, $5 a year is quite a bit. You deserve to know where it's going.

Now, aside from the obvious necessities in financial aid - including a much-needed full tuition scholarship for satire columnists - all of Luther's facilities could stand some attention. Anyone who has been in the music building lately will understand the need for a new roof. What they may not understand is the severe lack of practice space. We propose abandoning the 'studio' approach for vocalists. A Wyoming-inspired 'stable' system will take its place, complete with bedding and a free-range exercise area. Aside from freeing up valuable practice space for other musicians, a corral area will provide a unique research opportunity for behavioral biologists wishing to study the rhino-like ego clashes of voice majors in their natural habitat. The whole addition will, of course, be thoroughly soundproofed in order to comply with city noise ordinances.

Next on the list - and perhaps most important - is Luther's desperate need for a 'Senior Daycare' facility. Seniors need a place they can go that has milk, cookies, PB&J sandwiches, allows tantrums and encourages naps. May we suggest Baker Commons? All it needs is a ball pit, some floor mats, a jungle gym, fruit scented markers and a generous supply of animal crackers. Workers will help seniors rediscover basic social skills and will remind them when they are not playing well with others. Also, because it's so far from the main part of campus, the rest of the school will be able to enjoy a respite from the constant stream of rants often associated with the senior class - at least those rants that the ranter did not have the foresight to get put into print.

As Luther is always looking for ways to save money, we have great ideas for Ylvi and Brandt. We think it would be great if they were modified into giant hamster cages. Think about it. No furniture, just woodchips. It's very hard to damage woodchips. We could also provide several exercise wheels and thus free up more space in Legends. Snacks in the machines will be replaced with Crispito-flavored fiber-pellets. As an added bonus, the use of giant water bottles combined within the enclosed environment would certainly solve the underage drinking problem that, oh wait, doesn't exist. Lastly, a series of multi-colored plastic tunnels would encourage inter-dorm socialization and would, again, provide behavioral biologists an opportunity to observe a unique and often puzzling species in its natural habitat.

Next on the list: Main. Main will be burned. Hogwarts will take its place, complete with moving staircases and talking paintings. All students wishing to take a class in Main IV will be required to consult the sorting hat. (Which, when it intentionally blurts out "FRESHMAN" instead of "first-year," will be heartlessly disassembled by the editors of this publication.) Most conveniently: the Paideia owl will replace the SPOs, saving both time and money, though causing a bit of a stir among squirrel rights groups on campus. After that, Larsen will be scheduled for extensive renovation, but sadly Gertrude will decide to take up smoking. Bye, bye Larsen. Oh, Olin will be replaced with a Best Buy.

Lastly, the CFL. First, the "center stage" will be moved slightly to the left. This will cause much confusion with the guest artists. The Oedipus sculpture will be replaced with a Vegas-inspired flashing neon arrow complete with the words "Christmas at Luther Here." To top it off - really, no pun intended - a five-star restaurant and ballroom will be added to the roof to accommodate a clientele that, for some reason, will already be present.

There you have it, folks. We hope you've enjoyed the time you've spent with us. Now send us money.

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Rachel Joi Kibler-Melby & Jay S. Londgren

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