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Greetings From Luther...

Date 3/21/2002 12:00 AM | Topic: Opinion

Hey. How's it goin'? What's up? How ya' doin'? Good. Yah, I'm okay. How many times do you go through this utterly hollow and unfulfilling ritual in a day? I would wager to say quite often here at Decorah's Luther College. The fine art of greeting a classmate, professor, staff member, enemy, friend, acquaintance, random hook-up, ex-boy/girlfriend, rival, teammate, mock trial coach or Chips staffer for me is perhaps the most grueling and nerve-racking part of my day. Unlike homework, personal problems, family, significant others or work study, one cannot get away from people. They are everywhere, and you are required to be friendly by the Luther Friendly Code. In your dorm room, in the hallways, on the sidewalk, in the caf, at all your secret "alone" places on campus and in the bathroom when all you want to do is drop a rank, monster load, you cannot get away from people. I am not a total misanthrope, but sometimes I would rather deny than "Hi" someone.

I realize that this has a lot to do with being an only child who grew up on a farm five miles from nowhere, but I do not think that I am alone in my discomfort with always having to greet people. What makes it vexing is that the process is so complex, with many nuances. On the most basic level, one must decide whether or not to give any sort of acknowledgment, verbal or nonverbal, to a random person. Generally one is safe giving the "Luther Smile" in this instance, or at least a discreet but firm nod. Of course, this is only employed when you are one-on-one on the sidewalk with no where to hide.

An infinitely more complicated greeting is deciding how to acknowledge someone you know that is in not even an extra in your life. This person may have lived on your floor freshman year and the only reason you really remember him is that he puked in the drinking fountain on that hot May day, which made the fountain water undrinkable for the rest of the year. So what do you do? First of all, I panic. If I am in a hallway I look for a bathroom in which to duck or a poster to suddenly become transfixed by. If I am outside, perhaps I quickly fix my gaze skyward or on a hot girl in the distance, but if I see that there is no getting out of it I turn my head for the inevitable eye contact, which is quickly followed by an under the breath "Hey" and a nod.

Once one evaluates greeting a person with which one has some sort of a history, other than having shared oxygen for a few years, the situation is complicated further. What if you dated someone or liked someone or hooked up with someone and now you have to greet him or her in passing? What if you went on a trip with a person and you two became off-campus buddies, but back at Luther the magic faded? What if you used to be friends with someone and you now feel obligated rather than excited to say more than hello to them? Where do you draw the line? AVOID THESE PEOPLE!

If you are about to get out of your car, stay there until I'm Not a Girl is finished. If you see them e-mailing in the library, go to Olin. If you know that you are going to overtake them on the sidewalk, walk on the grass. If you see them in the long hallway of the Regents Center, go kick it at Legends for a while. If they are on the treadmills at Legends, use the free weights. If they are sitting at a table in the library, use the stacks as a shield to walk past them. If they are coming at you in the caf, make a virgin venture to the salad bar. If you are having a pedestrian conversation with a classmate and one of these types of people is about to pass you, make that conversation look more exciting than sitting on a couch talking "10-10-220" with Terry Bradshaw and ALF. It is not as hard as you think; you, too can avoid awkward encounters.

As far as greeting professors on the stroll, it is safe to bet that they are off in their respective doctoral happy places; greeting them is a delicate proposition. First of all, if a professor is talking to another professor, the one thing they do not want is your stupid, sucking-up ass trying to glean the "Luther Hello" from them. Let talking profs lie. Remember, however, if you need something from a professor, a well placed hello or witty comment can only help your cause. Thirdly, know your professors and you won't feel as bad about a snub or as awkward about a greeting. A Martin Klammer-type is probably orbiting closer to the moon than anywhere near the Luther bubble, while a Lawrence Williams-type is always ready with a "Hey, now," or "Hey, buuuuuddy."

I hope my social anxiety will help others like me looking for a way out of meaningless and annoying social contact. If this does not work, just screw it and take the Tour Guide on Prozac approach of greeting everyone you see without ever saying anything.

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Jon Peterson
Backpage Editor

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